Gotta Love Twilight!
by Bite-Me-and-I'll-Fly
Summary: A lot of Twilight one-shots! All funny! If you need a laugh READ! Rated T just cuz?
1. Nessie's Dirty Little Secret

So my favorite thing to write is humor, but all my other stories are supposed to be serious so I'll be but all my humor into this story. It will be multiple one-shots. Enjoy!

_~Hannah!_

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Title: Nessie's Dirty Little Secret

It was all normal at the Cullens house. Emmett was playing video games with Jasper, Alice and Rosalie were flipping through fashion magazines, Esme and Carlisle were talking, and Edward and Bella were waiting for Jacob to bring Renesmee home. It was all normal.

Renesmee walked into the door around one pm. She greeted her family and went to sit on the floor by Emmett.

"What? Jacob's not coming in today?" Bella asked.

"No momma. He had to do something in La push with Quil and Embry," Nessie muttered.

Jasper paused the video game and looked up at Nessie. "Why are you so nerves Renesmee?" He asked.

Renesmee's face flushed red. How was she going to put this? Should she just blurt it out or pull her mother aside and tell her?

"Nessie what are you trying to hide from me?" Edward asked his daughter.

"Nothing daddy," Renesmee lied.

Jasper looked back up. "Stop lying to your dad and just tell us Renesmee. It can't be that bad, can it?" Jasper turned to Alice as he said the last part.

Alice looked up. "I don't know must have something to do with La push," she shrugged.

Nessie sighed. She'd have to get this over with sooner or later. She stood up and walked to her mother.

"Momma I have to tell you something," Nessie whispered to her mother, though her whole family could hear.

"What is it sweetie you know you can tell me anything," Bella said taking her daughter's hand.

Renesmee took a deep breath then said in a rush, "Momma Jacob gave me rabies."

Everything froze. For once in the Cullen house hold it was silent enough to hear a pen drop. Finally Bella spoke.

"Renesmee did you just say Jacob gave you _rabies_?" She asked her daughter. Renesmee nodded. "Your not even fifteen and that jackass talked you into having sex I'm gonna kill him!" Bella yelled running to the door.

"Momma wait!" Renesmee yelled after her.

Bella turned around. "WHAT!" She screamed.

Nessie got a smile on her face. "APRIL FOOLS!" Renesmee giggled. Then she turned to Emmett. "I win, Uncle Emmett. I told you I could pull a prank on mommy and daddy."

"Yeah you do squirt," Emmett said putting a hundred dollar bill on the table. Nessie picked it up then ran upstairs.

Bella stood at the door with her mouth open. "I'm gonna kill you Emmett!" She yelled and lunged for him.

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LOL! Well that's chapter one. If you what more one-shots review if not then I'll write them anyway so that's about it.

_**~Hannah**_


	2. Craza

**Title: Krazza(Cra-za-a)**

"Alright is everyone ready?" The girl asked her friends. They nodded. "Let's go." The one who seemed to be the leader walked out of the woods and up the stairs to the big white house.

She knocked on the door over and over again until it was swung open by a seventeen year-old boy with bronze hair. "What!" He asked.

The one in charge cleared her throat. "Hello, my name is Hannah and these are my friends Raven, better known as Ray-Ray, and Victoria, whom I call Vickie. As you can see we are homeless and were wondering if we could stay here until we can get around," Hannah asked flapping her eyelashes.

The boy raised his eyebrows. "Uhm," he said not sure what to say to that.

"Edward we can't just leave them out there all alone in the cold. Let them in," Esme called from the couch.

Edward looked at her then back at the three girls. "Come in," he said.

Ray-Ray smiled and ran through the door at only a speed a vampire could conquer up. Edward watch as the girl with curly brown hair and blond ran up the stairs far to fast.

"What the hell?" Emmett asked looking at the other two girls as they walked into the Cullen household. The rest of the Cullens sat on the couch staring in wonder as the human girl ran up the stairs.

"Emmett langue!" Esme yelled at him. Then she stood up and walked over to the other girls. "Hello girls my name is Esme. Let me introduce you to my family this is…" Hannah cut her off.

"We know who you guys are and as ya know the girl upstairs is Ray-Ray then this is Victoria, who you should call Tori. But you may call me Hannah or Shimmer," Hannah said.

"Why Shimmer?" Alice asked.

Victoria started giggling but Hannah shushed her. She looked back at Alice after Tori was quiet. "My reasons not yours," she growled. Alice nodded but didn't looked away.

"What are you and why can't I read any of your minds or Alice see your futures?" Edward growled.

"We don't know," Tori spoke for the first time. "But the reason Alice can't see us is cuz of me." She was smiling from ear to ear as she said this.

"What do you…" Alice started but was interrupted by yelling.

"WEEEEEEE!" They heard Ray-Ray scream. The next thing they know Raven was sliding down the stairs on a cookie sheet. When she came off the bottom stair the cookie sheet stopped and she went tumbling into the couch. Raven sat up and was holding her head. "That was AWESOME!" She screamed throwing her arms in the air.

The Cullens all stared at Raven. Then Shimmer and Tori started laughing. Tori helped Raven up. "You cool?" She asked.

Raven nodded. "Ouch," she whined. "Head. Hurt!" She screamed. The Cullens laughed along with the other girls this time.

Shimmer and Tori helped Ray-Ray to the couch. They sat down on the one opposite of where the Cullens were. They starred at each other for a few moments then Jacob and a sixteen year old Renesmee walked in.

"Hey mom we had so much fun," Nessie started. She stopped when she saw the girls on the couch. "Who are they?"

"I'm Shimmer, that's Ray-Ray, and this is Tori," Hannah said pointing to all of them.

Nessie nodded and went to sit by her mother and father. Jacob followed and sat on the floor next to Nessie's seat. Finally Carlisle spoke.

"What are you?" He asked.

As expected Shimmer spoke. "Ray-Ray has always wanted to be a vampire but she knew me and Vickie would make fun of her if she came back to Mississippi sparklin' so she went out to find the Salvatore brothers. Finally when she came back with that little ring there and we knew she'd been changed. So Tori went off and found Tyler Smallwood then she came back as a werewolf and by the time she came back I had already become a mixed vamp breed and then we headed out on the road cuz we didn't wanna go back to school right away so now here we are," Shimmer explained in on breath.

Emmett's eyes were wide. "What?" He asked confused.

Shimmer took a breath to begin again but Raven put a hand over her mouth. "Iz a vampire that burns in the sun, Tori's a werewolf and Shimmer's a mixed breed of vampires," she said simple.

"Ahh," Jacob, Emmett, and Nessie said in unison.

"Why are you staring at me?" Jacob asked to a mesmerized Tori.

Tori said nothing but Shimmer and Ray-Ray laughed. "Every since she's read the Twilight Saga she's been in love with Jacob Black," Ray-Ray laughed.

Shimmer nodded and pushed the hand Tori was using to hold her head up. Tori's head feel and she gasped. She then realized everyone was laughing at her. She turned to Shimmer. "What did you say!"

Shimmer shook her hands and head. She pointed at Raven. Tori turned to her and smirked. "Yeah I may like Jacob but you're the one with the big Emmett poster on your ceiling," Victoria laughed as she said this.

Raven's face turned red as everyone laughed at her. She turned to Victoria. "I will kill you," she whispered. Tori gulped.

"Anyway on to lighter news, where are our rooms?" Shimmer asked as she stuck a lollypop in her mouth.

"You need to sleep?" Bella asked stunned.

"Naw I just need a place to hid my candy from these fools," Shimmer laughed.

"You eat food?" Alice asked disgusted.

"No she just eats lollypops and chocolate and stuff like that," Ray-Ray shrugged.

Alice nodded and lead them to a guest room upstairs. Once there Shimmer gather her friends into a circle. "Alright here's the plan," she whispered.

_Half a hour later_

"Your gonna love it Alice. I convinced Shimmer to put on a dress," Ray-Ray said as Tori nodded standing next to her.

"Oh really I must see this since you two say she never wears dresses," Alice bounced as Ray-Ray lead her into a closet upstairs. "Wait there's nothing in her," Alice said looking around confused.

"I know," Shimmer said slamming the door in Alice's face. She then quickly locked all the locks the girls had put on the door.

Alice ran to the door and started banging on it. "Let me out! Let me out!" She screamed hoping someone would hear her. She then turn around and saw Rosalie and Renesmee there. "Why are you here?" She asked.

"Those bitches tricked us," Rosalie sighed.

Renesmee cried. "There gonna steal my Jacob," she said. Then as if as realizing her own words ran to the door. "LET ME OUT YOU BITCHES!" She yelled pounding on the door.

"Good call on sound-proofing the room Shim," Ray-Ray knuckle touched her.

"I know. I've only been planning this for years," Shimmer shrugged. "Now to claim our men."

_One day later_

Light came in through the door as it was opened. "Hello?" Rose, Alice, and Nessie heard.

They looked up and saw Shimmer in the doorway. She smiled. "Ya guys came come out now. We're done," she said then left to go back downstairs.

The girls looked at each other then ran down the stairs. They only saw Shimmer and Jasper sitting on the couch.

"Where's everyone else?" Rosalie asked.

Shimmer looked back. "Let's see, Carlisle and Esme are having a date night, Bella and Edward are at their house, Jacob took Tori to a bonfire and Ray-Ray and Emmett went to the arcade," She explained.

"Wait Jacob was gonna take me to the bonfire," Nessie said with tears in her eyes.

"You weren't her Renesmee so Jacob thought Victoria would like to meet the pack," Jasper said.

"But me and Em were going to a movie tonight?" Rosalie questioned.

"Again you weren't here so Emmett took Raven to the opening of the new laser tag room at an arcade in Port Angles," Shimmer said.

"What about us Jasper we were going to hang out tonight too," Alice whined.

"I'm sorry Alice but I already promised Shimmer we would go to a concert tonight," Jasper said.

"Yeah sorry Alice I already had the tickets I was going to go with Ray-Ray but since she went with Emmett I asked Jasper to go with me. Oh well," Shimmer shrugged not sorry at all. "We'd better head out Jazz or we'll miss the first act and I hear that Roman Candles is a great band."

"Yeah your right let's go," Jasper said standing up. "Sorry Alice I promise."

"Can we take your motorcycle?" Shimmer asked as they walked out the door.

Rosalie, Alice, and Renesmee just watched in horror. Finally Rosalie spoke.

"Damn we just got played by a bunch of idiots," she said. Alice and Renesmee agreed.

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Sorry I just promised my friend I'd write something like this. I will most likely be writing multiple stories involving Shimmer, Ray-Ray, and Tori. If you have any questions about them or a comment about this one-shot then LEAVE A REVIEW!

_**I love you Ray-Ray and Tori**_

_**~Hannah Aka Shimmer!**_


	3. Jacob's Neice

**Title: Jacob's Niece**

"Jacob I'm bored!" She whined for the millionth time in the last ten minutes.

Jacob's hands started shaking as he turned to the girl. "WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH THE DAMN T.V. ALLIE!" Jacob screamed at the fourteen year-old girl.

Allie, short for Alison, was now pissed off. "You can't tell me what to do!" She screamed back at him. "I swear I'm not afraid to call mom Uncle Jake!"

Jacob sighed. "Just watch the show Allie," he said.

Allie huffed then stared at the tv. Five minutes later. "Uncle Jake I'm bored," she said.

"Fine you want to do something?" He asked. Allie nodded. "Then were going to see Aunt Bella," Jacob said hoping Emmett would be able to scare the shit out of this annoying little girl.

Allie hopped up from her seat on the couch and grabbed her blue back pack from beside the couch. She followed Jacob to his car and they drove to the Cullens house. When they got there Jacob noticed that his little niece was going to bring the bag in with them.

"Do you have to bring that thing everywhere?" He asked her.

"Do you have to drive a hunk of junk," she sneered jumping out of the car and slinging the book bag on her back.

"Just don't say anything stupid," Jacob warned hoping she'd ignore his warnings like she usually did. Allie rolled her eyes and followed him into the house.

"S'up guys," Jacob greeted the vampires. "Hope you don't mind I brought a friend," he said and went to sit next to Nessie.

Allie looked around. She quickly noticed that everyone was pale and had yellow cat eyes. Allie shrugged it off and went to sit on the other side of Jacob.

"This is Rebecca's daughter, or my niece, Allie. She's staying with me for the summer. Allie this is Nessie, Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, and Blondie," Jacob said pointing them out.

Allie nodded. She unzipped her bag and pulled out an Ipod. Allie put the headphones in her ears then pulled out a book and started to read.

"Emmett wanna do me a favor?" Jacob asked.

"What is it?" Emmett asked Jacob.

"This little girl's been annoying the hell out of me all morning. I just wanted to know if you'd be willing to scare her?" he asked.

Emmett thought. "Sure why not? Plus we'd all get a good laugh," he said.

Allie mentally laughed. God her uncle was so stupid! He hadn't even realized her Ipod wasn't on. She knew they'd try to scare her but what could they do? She'd read so many books she was now not afraid of anything. Not even the thought of vampires scared her, since she had been reading vampire books for the past two years she knew what to expect.

Emmett sat still thinking of ways he could scare a little fourteen year old. He finally decided that he'd just act like a vampire. _That'll scare her for sure!_ Emmett thought.

Emmett disappeared at the moment that Allie looked up. "Where'd the big guy go?" She asked.

Jacob shrugged. "Don't know. He's always disappearing," he said.

Emmett appeared in front of Allie looking like a evil vampire with the red contacts and everything. Allie looked up. A beam of sunlight came through the window causing Emmett to sparkle.

Allie sat there silent. Then she broke out in laughter. Everyone stared at her as she laughed so hard she had to hold her stomach. Allie ignored them.

"Rich Jacob. Very rich," she giggled her laughing fit coming to an end.

"Why are you laughing your supposed to be scarred!" Emmett whined.

Allie started laughing again. This time Emmett was annoyed. When Allie stopped laughing again Emmett stood in front of her pissed off.

"Why are you laughing?" Jacob asked.

"Because this is your idea of scary," she said. "Seriously Jacob a sparkly vampire you gotta be able to do better than that." She turned back to her book.

"Vampires are scary," Emmett cried.

Allie looked up. "Yeah I have a reason to be afraid of Nikolas or Kaleo but someone who sparkles, not a chance," she laughed.

Emmett looked confused. "Who's Nikolas and Kaleo?" He asked.

Allie sighed. "Nikolas and Kaleo are from my book. There the scary vampires," she laughed.

Emmett stood there dumfounded. The rest of the laughed at him.

"Only gay vampires sparkle," Allie said. The Cullens stopped laughing. Jacob started hollering.

"God Allie that's the funniest thing you've done since you were here," Jacob said.

Allie rolled her eyes. "Whatever Uncle Jacob," she muttered.

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Well like always Please Review!


	4. The Cullens discover Fanfiction

**This story shall involve the lovely Tori, Ray-Ray, and Shimmer. Please enjoy while my girls make chaos!**

**Pairings: Alice/Jasper, Emmett/Rose, Nessie/Jacob, Bella/Edward, Carlisle/Esme**

**Finally I'd like to tell all my readers that this is Hannah writing these one-shots not Allison. So if I forget to put my name at the bottom you'll know.**

_**~Hannah**_

**Title: **

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Tori, Ray-Ray and Shimmer, have been at the Cullen house for two weeks. The Cullens think that the worst is over but they haven't learned the half of it.

Tori sat in the Cullens computer room for the last hour chewing on Twizzlers. Suddenly Tori screamed out and punched the computer scene causing the glass to break.

"Screw you damn werewolf," she screamed out. "I will send you to hell!" She then attempted to toss the already broken computer out the closest closed window. But Shimmer got there just in time to smack some since into her.

Emmett came in the room and took the computer from Tori's hands. Seeing it was broken he put it in the trash. Now all the Cullens, Jacob, and Ray-Ray had gathered in the room and watched as Shimmer whispered something into Tori's ear.

Tori went pale and shook her head. "Then don't do it again!" Shimmer said to her ghostly pale friend.

"Why did Tori punch the screen?" Renesmee asked Shimmer as she walked over to Ray-Ray.

"Fanfiction again?" Ray-Ray asked Shimmer.

Shimmer nodded. "Damn mutt asked the little shut to marry him," Tori cried into her hands.

Ray-Ray and Shimmer laughed as their sister had a mental break down yet again. The Cullens stood there confused. Finally Alice spoke up.

"What's fanfiction?" She asked the two laughing and crying girls. They stopped what they were doing and looked at Alice as if she'd grown two heads.

"You don't know what fanfiction is?" Tori asked them. The Cullens and Jacob shook their heads. "Then we have to show them!"

Tori ran upstairs and retrieved Shimmer's back pack. She brought it back downstairs and handed it to Shimmer knowing what happened last time she'd went in her stuff.

Shimmer patted Tori's head. "Good girl," she cooed her like a dog.

"I'm not a dog," Tori muttered but otherwise ignored the comment. Shimmer sat down in the spot the computer used to be and pulled out a laptop. The Cullens watch as she turned it on and went to a site called .

Shimmer stood from her seat. "Here," she said letting Alice sit. "Now read you'll love some of this," Shimmer snickered evilly as she said this. Something bad was going to happen.

The Cullens crowed around the computer as Alice looked at the page Shimmer put her on. "What's _Twilight_?" Alice asked.

Tori was the one who answered. "The first book in the best saga on Earth," she said. "The fanfactions usually start after Breaking Dawn, the last book."

"You mean the fanfictions you read," Ray-Ray added.

"Whatever!" Tori yelled. "But they can start anywhere as long as there about _The Twilight Saga_," she explained.

Alice nodded and continued. "Let's check out that one," Nessie said pointing to one.

Alice nodded. "Taken by Vampires by MokyLoky," Alice read the title. "Preface,"

_**I didn't want to do it but I knew I would have to. It hurt to think I would have to break the heart of the girl that had loved me for over a year.**_

_**She stopped and turned to me. "Just say it Jacob!" She snapped.**_

Rosalie snorted. "Yah. It's about the dog," she said, unhappy. Jacob and Nessie rolled their eyes and Alice continued reading.

_**I took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry Nessie," I said.**_

_**Tears started to streak Renesmee's face. "It's Abigail isn't it?" She asked him.**_

_**I nodded. "I'm sorry Renesmee but I'm in love with her. It's over," I told a now crying Nessie.**_

Everyone gasped. Nessie turned to Jacob. "I can't believe you were going to break up with me!" She screamed and started hitting him.

Ray-Ray, Shimmer, and Tori started laughing. The Cullens turned to them. Shimmer whipped a fake tear from her eye and said, "Fanfics aren't real guys." She laughed.

"Oh," Nessie said as her checks flushed. "I'm sorry Jacob."

"It's alright Ness," he smiled pulling her into a hug.

"Let's check out another one!" Emmett cheered pushing Alice out of the chair and taking her place.

"Put two random names in the category boxes," Alice said leaning over Emmett's shoulder.

Emmett did as his sister said. He randomly selected two names. Then before selecting go he changed the rating to M because he was manly. Alice was kind of excited that she couldn't see what was going to happen. Now it would be a surprise.

"Pick the first one Emmet," Bella said. Emmett did as Bella said.

"Fire and Ice by nikki0422. Uhg another Jacob one," he said before reading it.

_**Jacob's POV**_

_**I watched her softly walk across the clearing towards the line that separated us from them. Ever since the night that I met her, I dreamed about her, I tried hard to keep her off my mind knowing that she had that bloodsucker; the bloodsucker that I now hated more than another one.**_

_**"Did you have to sneak out" I asked as she smiled warmly and nodded.**_

_**"Jasper, Edward, Rosalie and Carlisle are hunting, it wasn't that hard" her voice that sounded like angel's song said, I loved her voice; it was the voice that haunted my thoughts.**_

_**"So it wasn't that hard" I said stepping over the line and taking her in my arms.**_

_**"Not at all, Esme and Emmett weren't even paying attention" She whispered into my chest softly and smiled down at her.**_

_**"Well isn't that a shame, a women as beautiful as you not being noticed" I said as she giggled softly.**_

_**"I hope Emmett and Esme do not notice me that way" She said as I kissed her forehead.**_

_**"I'd have to kill him" I said as she stood on her tippy toes to kiss me softly. I loved kissing her, touching her, loving her, everything drew me to her. I knew I had imprinted on her but knew the pack wouldn't approve.**_

_**"So my angel, when are they all leaving the house, I want all of you like I did the other night" I said trying to sound cool but knowing she knew how much I loved it; losing my virginity to her.**_

_**"I have been trying to get them out of the house but they aren't leaving. Maybe I should get my own secret place that the two of us can just be together" She said thinking out loud as I scooped her up in my arms and never wanted to let her go.**_

_**"Well maybe we should do that but won't your bloodsucker notice that you are never home, smell like me, and well are sore like you were the other night" I said smirking and she smiled widely.**_

_**"Jasper? Well he may but maybe he'll leave me and I can run away with you" She said looking up at me with innocent eyes as I smiled down at her.**_

_**"Alice Cullen, you will be the death of me"**_

"ALICE CULLEN!" They screamed. Jasper turned to his wife stunned that his beloved mate had cheated on him.

Alice held her hands up in defense. "Jazz I didn't sleep with that mutt!" She yelled. "I love you not him!" She pointed to Jacob who was getting yelled at by Nessie for the same reasons.

Ray-Ray sighed. Shimmer whistled loudly getting everyone's attention. "Thanks. Shimmer told you guys this things aren't true," Ray-Ray said.

"Oh," Jasper and Nessie said. They then apologized to Alice and Jacob who forgave them.

"Let's look up another one," Emmett said putting in another random name. "This one's called Hidden Love another one by MokyLoky."

"Emmett read the summary first and maybe the reviews," Rosalie suggested. Emmett nodded and started to read the small summary it gave.

_**"When he left he took everything with him. My hopes, my dreams, my family. I thought I'd never love again. Until I found it in an unexpected person." -Bella. Full summary inside. Rated M for lemons later on.**_

"So it's about after Edward leaves Bella?" Jasper asked. Emmett nodded.

"Who's the two characters it's about?" Alice asked.

Emmett looked down. "Jasper and Bella. What's a lemon?" Emmett asked Shimmer, Ray-Ray, and Tori.

Shimmer answered. "Sexual scenes," she said.

Emmett nodded and went to the reviews.

"The first ones from _**Sonja Cullens**_

_**I love the story line. I can't wait to see what Jasper has planned for Bella. Oh, and so relieved that Edward and Alice had some "quality" time alone. Hopefully, they will leave our friends alone. Plus, I think Rose and Emmett and definitely on Jasper and Bella's team now**_

"What do they mean 'quality time'?" Alice asked. Shimmer raised her hand. "Yes Shimmer?"

"I know I've read that story," She said.

"What does it mean?" Bella asked.

"Edward and Alice had sex without Bella or Jasper's knowing," Shimmer explained.

"What!" Bella and Jasper gasped glaring daggers at their mates.

"Not real member," Tori reminded them.

They nodded. "I like this site!" Emmett yelled.

Ray-Ray walked up and pushed Emmett out of the chair. She then started typing in something. "Ah ha!" She yelled. "Read this one," Ray-Ray said moving aside to show the Cullens.

It was called _**Secret**_ _**Love by Miss-Jakeward**_

_**I stood in the forest waiting for my love to meet me. Slowly my love emerged from the trees.**_

"_**I thought you'd never get here," I smiled.**_

"_**You know I'd never miss my chance to see you."**_

"_**I know was it hard to sneak out?" I asked.**_

"_**No. They think I'm out hunting. No one can know about us Jake."**_

"_**I know it's a secret. You don't want your family finding out, and I understand as long as you're the prize I'll do anything," I told my imprint. I took the beautiful person in my arms and pulled them closer.**_

"_**I love you Jacob."**_

"_**I love you Eddie," I whispered and pulled Edward into a long, passionate kiss.**_

Everyone stood frozen as they took in the story. Edward and Jacob?

Shimmer and Tori started laughing. "Rich Ray, rich!" Tori laughed.

"I always knew Eddie was gay!" Shimmer said in between the giggles.

Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice soon joined in. "I knew it!" Jasper yelled.

"I love fan fiction," Emmett said.

Shimmer smiled and knuckle touched Tori and Ray-Ray.

**Well there you go! All the stories and authors are really except for Secret Love and Miss-Jakeward. I made up that story on the spot and the pen name because I couldn't find anything like it. The other stories I've read and suggest you check out and the users are real. So this chapter is dedicated to MokyLoky, **_**Sonja Cullens, and **_nikki0422 **because I used your stories and names. And finally Review!**

_**~Hannah**_


	5. The Cullens Discover IMing Part 1

**Title: Cullens discover IMing(part 1)**

**Summary: Emmett sets up a chat room and all the Cullens and some of the wolf pack get on and start IMing each other.**

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Emmett: I'm the first one in the chat room… AWESOME!

Alice: (Takes icon off invisible) No I was Emmett.

Emmett: (Sad face)

Jasper: Dude suck it up your like what ninety?

Jacob: "Suck it up?"

Jasper: NO PUN INTENDED!

Alice: LOL!

Edward: Why are you typing letters?

Nessie: It means Laugh Out Loud. God get with it dad.

Edward: Oh…

Alice: ROFL!

Edward: What does…

Alice: Roll On the Floor Laughing

Edward: O_O

Nessie: Dad how'd you do that if you don't even know what LOL means.

Bella: I typed it for him baby.

Nessie: (Pout) At least mom knows all the cool stuff!

Emmett: *cough* grandpa Eddie *cough*

Edward: (Sigh) It only works in real life Emmett.

Seth: S'up peoples!

Nessie and Bella: HEY SETH!

Seth: Why are you screaming?

Nessie and Bella: Don't know

Seth: (Thinking) COOL!

Edward: How is not knowing cool?

Seth: Get with it Eddie boy!

Edward: MY NAME IS NOT…

Sammy and Ham: Hello?

Alice: Who are you?

Sammy and Ham: WHO ARE YOU!

Alice: Alice Cullen. Now why are you in my family's chat room?

Sammy and Ham: (Screams)

_**User has logged off**_

Emmett: That was odd.

Rosalie: Yes it was…

Emmett: (Screams like little girl) Rosie you're here!

Rosalie: I've been here?

My_Monkey_Man_Emmett: S'up my peps

Rosalie: Who do you think you are talking about my monkey man?

My_Monkey_Man_Emmett: Who am I? Who are you! Emmett is my monkey man!

Rosalie: Bitch

_**User has been kicked out for langue**_

Emmett: Rose NOOOOOOOO!

My_Monkey_Man_Emmett: WAIT! IS THAT EMMETT CULLEN!

Emmett: Yeah soooo…?

My_Monkey_Man_Emmett: (Screams)… a few minutes later (still screaming) (faints from lack of oxygen)

_**User has logged off**_

Emmett: What the Fuck?

Rosalie: I'm back so where is that b*tch?

Jasper: Why'd you spell it like that?

Rosalie: Because I just got kick off for saying bitch

_**User has been kicked out for bad langue**_

Jasper: Told you I could get her to say it again that's twenty bucks Alice.

Alice: (Sighs and gives Jasper money)

Da real Bella Swan: Is it true?

Bella: Is what true? And why are you using the name Bella Swan?

Da real Bella Swan: Is it true that Edward Cullen is here?

Edward: I'm right here.

Da Real Bella Swan: (Faints)…(Wakes up) I LOVE YOU!

Bella: WHY ARE YOU USING MY NAME AND HITTING ON MY HUSBAND!

Da Real Bella Swan: So your Bella Swan?

Bella: (Nods) Now Cullen

Da Real Bella Swan: Well you know what! GO CRAWL IN A FUCKIN HOLE AND DIE BITCH! OR GO AND FUCK THE DAMN DOG BECAUE I AM THE REAL ISABELLA SWAN AND EDWARD CULLEN IS MY HUBSAND!

_**User had been kicked off for langue**_

Bella: What the fuck? Edward who did you meet?

Edward: NO ONE! I love you Bella! I never heard of that girl in my life!

Jasper: Dude your dead.

Alice: ROFL!

Nessie: Uncle Jasper is right daddy your dead.

Edward: Renesmee Carlie Cullen! You heard all of that bad langue

Seth: Chill Edward. Paul says worse than that when Nessie's at Jake's house.

Edward: WHAT! I'M GOING TO RING YOUR NECK JACOB!

_**User kicked off for talk of violence**_

Emmett: I wanna try that! I'm gonna set a police car on fire!

Bella: (Sigh) That's not violent Emmett just ignorance.

Jasper: Emmett already set fire to your dad's car last week.

Bella: ?

Jasper: With your dad in it…

Bella: O_O. CHARLIE!

_**User has logged off**_

Jasper: You own me fifteen bucks Jacob. Told you I could get Bella out of the chat too

Jacob: (Grumbles about having no money then hands last fifteen dollars to Jasper.)

Never-Dies-Alice: Hi!

Alice: Who are you?

Never-Dies-Alice: Mary-Alice Brandon Cullen. What about you?

Alice: 0_0 Why'd you steal my name!

Never-Dies-Alice: (Snicks) If Alice is here that means…

Jasper: Means what?

Never-Dies-Alice: OMJ(Oh my Jasper, not Jacob) It Jasper fuckin' Whitlock!

Alice: What the hell! First Emmett, then Edward, now Jasper!

Never-Dies-Alice: OMJ! Jasper I love you!

Jasper: (Very uncomfortable) Umm… sorry I'm happily married.

Never-Dies-Alice: (Gets evil smile) I can fix that (Pulls out flame thrower)

Jasper: No I love my wife

Never-Dies-Alice: SCREW YOU ALICE! DAMN YOU TO THE LAVAS OF HELL AND YOU TOO BELLA! YOU'RE A SLUT!

_**User has been kicked out for langue.**_

Alice: What the hell?

Emmett: I have no idea.

Rosalie, Edward and Bella rejoin: I'm back.

Nessie: Momma, daddy, Jacob I'm scarred these people are scary. Someone wanted to kill auntie Alice.

Bella: It's okay we'll figure out how this is happening sweetie.

Twihard_Amis: I can tell you.

Alice: (Sighs) Let me guess your after Jacob

Twihard_Amis: No I don't like Jacob but I can tell you how random people know about you and how people are in your chat room

Edward: How do people know about us?

Twihard_Amis: A book series called the Twilight Saga. There your lives in Bella's POV from when she moves to Forks to the night after you win against the Voltri after Renesmee is born.

Everyone: O_O

Twihard_Amis: (Laughs)

Jacob: How long have you been here?

Twihard_Amis: Since Emmett typed in the first line. I was on invisible.

Everyone: O_O

Twihard_Amis: And sorry about all those other people they were my crazy friends. I told them about this chat and they logged on.

Alice: But how'd you get on this is a private chat room

Twihard_Amis: No it's not it's on public under the title Cullen Chat room.

Everyone except Emmett: EMMETT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!

Emmett: Accident? *Cough* maybe *cough*

Alice: (Sigh) Thank you… I'm sorry what's your name?

Twihard_Amis: Just call me Amis

Bella: Well Amis come back to the chat room when ever you what.

Twihard_Amis: Kay g2g bye! (Disappears)

Jasper: Where'd she go?

Everyone: (shrugs)

Team_Jacob14: YES! FINALLY! Jacob land!

(Silence)

Team_Jacob14: ? Amis said that this was Jacob land! What the hell?

Nessie: Hi I'm Renesmee!

Team_Jacob14: AHHHHH! Evil!

_**User has logged off**_

Everyone: Laughs

Nessie: What did I ever do to her?

**

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ROFL! What you think? Please Review!


	6. Ninja

**Title: Ninja**

Rosalie was have a normal day. She planed on a date night with Emmett later so she was getting ready. She then noticed something important.

"Alice where did you put my red bra!" Rosalie yelled at her favorite sister.

"I didn't touch it Rose and would never plan to," Alice called back.

Rosalie shrugged and walked back into her closet to pick a different outfit that would go with her black bra.

_Rosalie's so paranoid,_ Alice thought as she turned back to her bed to grab her favorite magazine that she had just been reading.

"What the hell!" She yelled out. "Who took my magazine!"

When no one answered Alice sighed and went to pick a new magazine.

"I want to watch Scooby-Doo!" A five year old looking Renesmee screamed.

"Too bad kid it's my turn to pick what we watch and I say we watch Spongebob!" Seth said. He was watching her today while Jacob ran portal.

"But I wanna watch Scooby-Doo!" Nessie yelled again. When Seth made didn't move she sunk down in her seat on the couch.

After Spongebob Seth went to reach for the remote but it wasn't there.

"Alright kid what did you do with the remote?" Seth asked Renesmee.

Nessie shrugged. "Don't you think if I had the remote I would have changed the channel by now?" She asked.

Seth thought then nodded. "Then who took the damn thing?" Renesmee shrugged. "Looks like were watching this."

He smiled as he saw that T.U.F.F Puppy would be coming on. Then the channel changed and it was on a nature show. "Who the hell is doing this?" Seth asked.

"Oooo! I'm telling mommy your cursing," Nessie said running off to get Bella. Seth ran after her.

"I don't know where it could have went?" Bella said as she looked through the drawers.

"Maybe you miss placed it love?" Edward suggested as he watched her from the bed.

"I'm a vampire now I have perfect memory," she grumbled. "What I don't understand is who would want a thong and sex lotion?"

Bella froze. Edward was at her side in a second. "What's wrong love?"

"Rosalie!" She yelled out. "Stop stealing my stuff!"

Rosalie appeared in the doorway. "What are you blaming me for this time?"

"You stole my lotion," Bella said.

"No I didn't I've been looking for my lucky red bra all day I couldn't have," Rosalie claimed.

"Oh. Sorry Rose," Bella said embarrassed. Rosalie shrugged and walked away.

"What are you looking for Carlisle?" Esme asked walking into Carlisle's office.

"My medical bag. I set it on my desk this morning and now it's gone," Carlisle said.

"I know everything's been disappearing today. Rosalie's bra, Alice's magazine, the tv remote, Bella's stuff, my gardening tools, Jasper's books, Edward's CD's, and now your medical bag. What's next?" Esme asked.

Carlisle sighed. Then he realized something. "Family meeting," he said then walked to the living room with his wife.

When Carlisle saw everyone but one person was there he began. "Esme just told me that everyone's been missing something today."

Everyone nodded. "It just disappeared," Alice claimed.

"Yes I know and…"

They heard giggling in the background of their talking. Then they heard someone say shhh.

Edward groaned. "Emmett just because you have a new ninja costume doesn't mean you have to mess with the rest of the house," Edward growled.

Just then Emmett fell from the ceiling colliding with the floor. He had a black rope tied to his waste that led up to the ceiling.

"Damn it Jacob! I told you you couldn't hold me!" Emmett yelled. "Where you think your going? You were in on this to!"

"Every man for himself!" Jacob yelled as he ran into the woods.

Emmett looked up at his pissed off family. "Uhh… NINJA!" He yelled.

Rosalie snarled. "NO SEX FOR A MONTH!" She said then stormed off.

Emmett was frozen for a second then realization hit him. "Baby wait!" He yelled running after Rosalie.

Everyone laughed as they saw a horrible ninja beg.


	7. Stalkers

**Title: Stalkers**

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Jacob, Emmett, and Jasper were walking back to there house from the near by GameStop. Emmett was going on about how his new game was so awesome when it all happened.

They heard and scream and looked up. The boys saw three girls standing in front of them. The shortest one was had blond hair with brown eyes. The second tallest had long straight brown hair with baby blue highlights. Finally the tallest girl had white hair with black, blue, pink, orange, and purple zebra strips going throw it.

The blond girl and brown haired one were screaming. The tallest one was just staring at the other two.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Emmett screamed.

"I love you Emmett McCarty Cullen," the brown haired one screamed.

"Okay," Emmett mumbled.

The multi-colored hair one put her hand over the blond, one who was still screaming. The blond one looked up at the other one.

"Shut the hell up Sam," she said calmly. The Sam girl nodded with a frightened look on her face. "Good girl." She took her hand off Sam's mouth.

"Who are you girls?" Jasper asked.

"I love you Emmett!" The brown haired girl screamed again.

The multi-colored hair girl sighed. "I'm Amiee, that's Sam," she pointed to the blond one, "and that's Heather," Amiee pointed to the one that obviously loved Emmett. The other two nodded.

"Well I'm Jasper, that's Jacob, and he's," Jasper started but was interrupted by Heather.

"EMMETT!" Heather yelled.

"Yeah!" Emmett said. "I am Emmett hear me roah!" Then Emmett did a big roah.

Heather started giggling out of her mind. Amiee sighed. "Ignore the bimbo in the skirt please," she asked.

"Hey Jacob!" Sam yelled. "I love your werewolf shifting ability thing."

Jacob's face went white. "I'm not a werewolf where'd you get that from," he said.

"Cut the crap we know what you are," Amiee said.

"How?" Jasper asked.

"Twilight Saga!" Sam and Heather screamed. Suddenly they were holding hands and jumping up and down.

"What's that?" Jacob asked.

Sam went to open her mouth but Amiee stopped her. "We've said to much," she said. "Time to go."

Suddenly the girls started to fade. Then they were gone. The boys looked at each other.

"Did you?" Jasper asked. Emmett and Jacob nodded. "Let's just go home." The others nodded and continued walking back to the house.

"How was your day?" Esme asked when they got home.

"We meant some stalkers," Emmett shrugged. Jasper and Jacob nodded.

They heard another screamed and saw the girls from earlier. Amiee growled and glared at Sam, who immediately shut up when she saw the glares.

"Who are you?" Alice asked.

Amiee ignored her. "S'up Jasper," she said with a smile in his direction.

"Hey Amiee," Jasper said waving.

"How do you know her!" Alice asked or screamed.

"I meant him earlier," Amiee said not looking away from Jasper.

Heather started jumping then ran over to Emmett and hugged him. "I love you!" She yelled yet again.

"Sweet I got a fan!" Emmett cheer.

"Let go of him now!" Rosalie told Heather.

Heather pulled one arm off but left the other around Emmett. She smiled at Rosalie. "Oh go screw yourself Rosalie!" Heather said then flipped her off.

Jacob started laughing. "You got told blondie!" He yelled.

When he wasn't looking Sam started running towards him. She jumped on his back and held on for dear life. Jacob looked back at Sam then at Amiee.

"Get your friend off my back," Jacob told her.

Amiee sighed. "Do I really have to be the normal one?" She asked herself. As she walked past Emmett she pulled Heather off him and dragged. "Help."

Heather nodded and her and Amiee pried Sam from Jacob's back. When she was finally standing on her feet she frowned. "I wasn't done," Sam mumbled to herself.

Amiee rolled her eyes. "Sorry bout them," she apologized. "But before we leave Jasper I have to tell you a secret."

Jasper came in closer. Amiee motioned him closer. Then she whispered in his ear, "I've always wanted to try this."

Before Jasper could ask Amiee had kissed him. She went full on and didn't release him until she was done. When she pulled away Jasper was wide eyed.

Amiee smiled. "Now tell me that's not better then Alice," Amiee laughed. Jasper just stared at her lips. "Yep I'm better than that little pixie of yours."

She looked around and saw Alice was in flames. "I'm gonna kill you you little…" Alice started.

Amiee laughed. "Time to go," she said. "Here if ya want some more of that then call me." She placed a paper in Jasper's pocket. Then she closed her eyes and the girls faded away until they disappeared.

Jasper was still staring at where Amiee was when Alice walked up to him. She smiled and took the number out of his pocket.

"No dumping me for the stalker girl," she said ripping the number up.

Rosalie smacked Emmett in the head and walked out the door. She muttered, "Damn stalker girls!"

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****se review!**

Well plea


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